Narcissistic Recovery and Healing. Stepping out from the Shadows!

As we move into another potential lock down. My thoughts and prayers go to all those living with narcissistic partners. I know how unrealistic it is to seek help if your phone and other devices have been tapped or just monitored. An opportunity will show up and even though you may have to walk away with nothing you walk away with everything. You, your sanity and your freedom to find yourself again and start rebuilding literally from the ground up.

I found this article I wrote some years back as part of a campaign for a narcissist support group. It's taken me this long to share it as a blog and now I pray a potential sign of hope to anyone reading this. Although life still throws its punches and I take the good with the bad, my soul, my personal power, my life is lived without manipulation, games or lies. Anyone who has survived this kind of betrayal and dance with the dark side will know, you wish you had ran at first sight! The only way out is to get out, go 'NO Contact' and never look back! I found Hypnotherapy and out of the shadows of all I had been through, I found my new path and new career as a Hypnotherapist and Wellbeing Specialist.

Enjoy the article. With love, hope and faith.

You Took What Wasn't Yours To Take.

The final discard, the realisation.

You saw me, you stalked me, studied me for a whole year while you were seeing someone else. You saved a folder of pictures of me from my social media before I had even agreed to be your girlfriend. You knew how good my soul was, you knew you could feed from it, but you ‘Took What Wasn’t Yours’.

For 6 years in and out of this relationship, the times I was thrown away from my home, business and life and the years of the hoovering in and discarding phases. You plucked my soul from me piece by piece until my identity disappeared along with my very existence. The shame of ‘ why I was constantly drawn back’ after rebuilding my life without you with success, but time and again I returned to the madness, not understanding clearly enough until now, now when the damage is so deep that I’m climbing back up for my very own survival, for my life!

You Took my soul, my very being, my sacred offering to this world and my self confidence, dignity, career, financial security, home, my hopes, my dreams, even my beautiful dog. Not to mention my fearlessness, trust and my freedom to simply be myself.

You wear your mask well, only letting it slip for me in the privacy of the four walls.

I knew you weren’t right from the start, the constant flattery, the staring into my eyes, the ‘over the top’ of it all. I was licking rejection wounds from someone else, I was vulnerable and you picked up on this. But I pushed my intuition back down and decided it was just me being over sensitive and maybe this was what true romance was like.

But boy I should have 'RAN' and cut the cord then, because what followed was nothing short of a horror story, one the outside world would never know.

I was too good at covering all the abuse up and after all, I’m the one who kept coming back so to onlookers it was me who was the crazy one. At times I thought I was, but I didn’t know you had groomed me to the point of addiction, just like a drug addict. It wasn’t always physical either, in the end it became more emotional and mental, insane even.

You wine and dine and buy beautiful gifts but there is always a catch to come at a later date. You flatter and make love at first but then you belittle and mock and disrespect and want more of a porn queen for a partner than a sensual and loving connection with someone. Although you can talk the talk and pretend of course when you need to. Always the perfect calculated actor.

You’re messed up but because you can’t stand to admit it, you take a good person and mess them up just for fun, a game. Then when you’ve left them begging for mercy on the floor and desperate for your affection still, because they are so isolated, scared, dependant and weak after all the games and abuse. You get bored and sick of them, that’s when you discard and when this happens you don’t need to pretend anymore the mask slips.

You will have a new person who needs your attention, the new victim who is in awe of you. Listening to your stories of your ex being crazy or who cheats and you have no faults and like me she will fall for it. As for me and the discard - You don’t have time for me, so out on the street with the garbage I go, left to make sense of it all and survive with nothing once more. To keep up a good act you keep your next victim private, just until it looks ok to bring them out in public. Or you make sure you go away weekends to where they are or with them somewhere else so no one knows how shallow you are moving on so quickly.

Those around you will never know what you’re capable of, your mother protects your bad behaviour just like she did your fathers for so long. She even lies for you.

So to everyone you’re perfect but to me the one who sees you, really sees you. You’re the fallen angel who came to teach me over and over again that I had to change, I had to find my better higher self to avoid ever encountering this evilness and soul destroying toxicity that comes by attracting narcissistic and sociopathic people into my life.

There was a lesson in all of this - I can take responsibility for how I allowed this to happen and I can do all the therapy and reclaim my life, my freedom and reclaim what was never yours to take - MY SOUL.

I can see the light and I can fix and evolve to the better version of me now, I’m free.

You will continue to live in this torment of never being able to be yourself and show your empty soul. You have to hide behind the mask for eternity living your life sentence. I don’t envy you, I pity you and pray for others souls you will manipulate and trick.

You were not a mistake you were my lesson. I danced with the devil and lived to see another day. I took the lesson and replaced it with love and healing. For myself and others.

Finally I stepped out from the shadows.

(The photograph in this article was so raw and of the moment, I explained a little about that moment below)

Feeling lost I needed to do something. I was broke and broken but decided to go window shopping for the things I would buy once I was back on my feet again. I had fallen from a great height.

I took a few items into the dressing room in an attempt to make myself feel better, try to put a positive spin on things. I started to undress and the flash backs started to come flooding in. I couldn’t console myself, the tears just rolled down my face as I looked in the mirror at my image, a shadow of the woman I once knew. All I could hear were the old stories he had me believing, too old, not as attractive anymore, he could do better, he deserved better he would say. I wasn’t sexy, had lost my figure and I wasn’t the catch I once was. I was paranoid. I was useless. I was the liar not him.

But I cried even more because I found myself forcing myself to look in the mirror harder and heard my voice saying that ‘I was beautiful’ and ‘I was going to be ok’, ‘I was doing ok for today’, I was still in there!

I took the photograph as a reminder to keep my faith in me.

Later that day I wrote the above piece - You Took What Wasn’t Yours.

Wow. I still can't believe how long ago this was written. I’ve kept it raw and unedited for its authenticity!

Today.... I am beautiful, Unique and deserving of all the good things. I am free from the madness! I am loved.

There is another way. x